How to Become the Person You Want to Attract

As kids, I can’t believe we used to run around the playground at school singing “nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I’ll go eat worms.”

It’s a colorful parade of “I suck!”
It’s a ridiculous declaration of rejection.

And it’s one of the most depressing, self-deprecating anthems ever penned. Yet for a lot of people, it’s the tune that best describes the state of several of their relationships—relationships that need resuscitation.

Parading Your Deficiencies

Fast-forward to adulthood. Imagine if we walked around wearing signs that read, “Reject me,” “I fear commitment,” “I’m a victim of life,” “I don’t like myself; you shouldn’t like me ether.”

Ridiculous, right? Well as it turns out, that’s exactly what happens when we project fear, insecurity, victimization, rejection, insignificance, and shame onto other people through non-verbal and verbal communication. If we’re victims, we often attract rescuers. If we’re insecure, we often attract those who reject. And if we’re passive, we often lay a welcome mat for controllers.

It’s precisely why too many men continue to go after women that reject them and why too many women stay in a cycle of attracting (and placing confidence in) aging little boys who left their man card on the shelf.

Such is the case: whether you and I realize it or not, we have attracted the people we currently have in our life, for good or for…dysfunctional. Furthermore, who we are becoming is whom we will attract—romantically, platonically, and even socially. In 1 Corinthians 13:11, Paul stated, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.” If we don’t “do away with childish things” and get healed-up on the inside, our inner wounded child will make relationship decisions for us.

Pausing for a moment, maybe you do carry a humble confidence about who you are as a person and live unencumbered by the fear of rejection. If that’s the case, congratualtions. I’ll place a strong bet that you probably have solid people in your life and that most of your relationships are flourishing.

The Others

But what about the others? Maybe you’re one of “the others.” Maybe you are in your late twenties and can’t seem to figure out why there is so much drama in your friendships; why you bounce from relationship to relationship; why you should be nominated for an Academy Award for the roller coaster of a screenplay that is your life.

Maybe you’re in your early to mid-thirties and wonder what went wrong and why you still haven’t found “the one.” Maybe petty jealousy, gossip, narcissism, and childish games dance upon the embers of your beaten-down heart well into your forties.

While any of those conditions may be true, the potential for change is also just as true. But lasting change starts when you’re willing to be honest about who you are, how you view yourself, whom you’ve attracted into your life, and where the lifeblood of your relationships exists.

And in my estimation, it starts by fully-embracing yourself.

Embrace “Today”

My friend, Cody, often says, “Do you!” The insinuation is to be present right now in your individual identity, in your friendships, in your singleness, in your dating relationship, or in your marriage. Don’t live in a fantasy. Be fully you. Embrace it…today…for good or for improvement (see, I didn’t say “bad). If you’re unhappy as an individual, you must be the one to pursue long-lasting change because no one human will ever be able to satiate your quest for personal value.

As for you single men and women looking for a romantic relationship, I have one question to ask: are you unhappy as a single? If so, I promise that Mr. or Ms. “Right” is not looking to add “unhappy” to his or her life. Dating and marriage will not solve the case of unhappiness. Stop living for tomorrow. Prepare for tomorrow by making great present-tense choices today. Instead of living for the relationship you’re going to have in the future, engage with the life you have right now. In doing so, you’ll draw people into the healthy life you’re building.

What I’ve discovered for myself is that getting happy in this season of life is built upon these convictions:

I’m not behind in life.
I’ve not been overlooked.
I’m not too late.
I haven’t missed a small window of time.

Based upon those affirmations, I am convinced that living with that sense of confidence and identity actually allows myself to step into the future unencumbered by desperation or weakness; especially when the taunts and lies start popping up in my mind.

And the same is true for you.

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

The statement “I’m just waiting for the right person” can be applied to both platonic and romantic relationships. Everyone has the innate desire to feel loved and find connection. But we get into trouble when we throw the throttle of life into park and wait for circumstances to happen in our favor. Aiding my earlier thoughts, you will attract into your life that which you project. Ask yourself: are you projecting desperation and haste or are you projecting stability, identity, and confidence?

Instead of looking for the “right one,” be the right one. Build the bank balance of your life in such a manner that a deep repository of character, selflessness, honor, maturity, and love is developed.

But where does the trouble emanate? The culprit behind all of this—at least in my estimation—is fear; specifically, fear of rejection.

Fear of Rejection

Living in fear of anything postures our life in a reactionary mode. Applied this to the topic, instead of developing confidence in relationships, learning how to communicate, and finding out what matters to us, a fear-based life is thus reduced to one of reclusion and isolation. One in which our relationship skills are relegated to theory instead of experience; experience that fosters meaningful growth. You see, when we react to others out of our fear, we demonstrate that we don’t know who we are, Whose we are, and consequently, are looking to others to show us.

And that’s a life robbed of its full potential.

Remember what Jesus said, as recorded in John 10:10 (AMP)? “The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].”

Did you catch that? The thief comes only to steal. It’s his only job description. Because he is the author of fear and confusion, living life in fear of rejection and at an arms length from people for fear of true intimacy will easily compromise your future by sabotaging your present.

That said, becoming the person you ultimately want to attract will take effort, commitment, and a whole lot of honesty, but it’ll be worth it. Know this: when you enter into any relationship, you do risk rejection simply because you cannot control the outcome. Nonetheless, risk anyway. Your heart will heal and become stronger. To boot, you’ll learn even more about the person you are today and the person you are becoming.

Carry on, friend.